In some ways, British Olympic judo player Michelle Rogers is the ultimate ‘British’ athlete.  Born and raised in the north of England, but living and training right here in Edinburgh, Scotland, she encapsulates everything it means to be part of Team GB. 

Borders are not necessarily boundaries when it comes to preparation for the Olympics, and Scotland was the best place for Michelle to be in preparation for the Beijing Olympics, working within a world class system with several of the UK’s top fighters.

Michelle has been in the judo game for a long time, made her Olympic debut at the Atlanta Games in 1996, aged just 20.  She went on to become a British (2005) and Commonwealth (2002) Champion and in 2007 took bronze at the European Championships.

Speaking to In The Winning Zone before departing for China earlier this summer, Michelle, 32, was in peak condition, and told us that she was confident of finishing her career on high by winning gold in Beijing.  Her and her team were ready to go out and do Britain proud.

Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out that way.  Team GB fell to pieces and failed to make an impact of any kind on the Olympic judo medal table.  Michelle lost her first round match, and then lost the repechage to find herself out of the running for a medal before she had even got going. 

Now back home in Scotland, Michelle reflects on her disappointment in Beijing, exclusively for In The Winning Zone...

WZ – How did you feel after going out at the Olympics? What was your first thought whenever you knew it was over?

MR – It was so surreal. Almost disbelief. It just didn’t feel real.  It wasn’t like a firm thought landed anywhere in my brain, it was like, that’s the Olympic Games over and I have just lost two fights. It was inconceivable. 

You come off the mat and as you come out there are barriers that guide you in a zigzag, so you have to walk past all the press. So I just hopped over the barrier and took the quickest exit out and then just slumped in the corridor for about two hours.  I just felt like I couldn’t move. Crying and sitting there, I didn’t know what to do with myself. It is the worst feeling in the world.

WZ –Chris Hoy talked about it when he was going for Gold at the Sydney Games in 2000.  He won a silver medal, but he said when it comes down to it a silver is fine but he had been working for years for a gold.  In your case you can say you have been working for 12 years since your last Olympics, 1996.

MR – 22 years to be correct. Gold is your ultimate goal, your just desserts, what makes it all worthwhile, that one day, that one moment.  I just wanted to sink into the floor.  You don’t know what to do with yourself.  You want to be home but you don’t want to be at home, you want to see your family but you don’t want to see your family.  You just don’t know what to do with yourself.

WZ – Do you have an internal dialogue going on – do you start getting angry? Do you start making excuses?

MR – I have never gone through the making excuses bit to be honest, and I didn’t get angry at first either.  I was angry in the days afterwards.  I don’t even know who I was angry with.  Angry with myself, just angry.  In the initial few hours, I think it was just shock.  You can’t get your head around it.  As the days progress you get angry, bewildered, upset, just the worst feeling, the worst days of my life.

WZ – Is it like being in shock? 

MR – The Team Manager was out there with us and she came down to see me when I was in the corridor.  She said she was really worried about me and that’s why she got me moved out of the Olympic village and to stay in an apartment outside of the village, so I could be with my partner because she said it was just like grief what I was suffering.

It means everything at the time, but at the end of the day, no-one had died and it is sport.  It’s not just a sport to me though, it means the world to me.

WZ – Do you become reflective at some point?

MR – I still feel quite raw.  I went to an Olympics awards presentation a couple of weeks ago in Edinburgh and stood next to Lord Provost and all the Olympians from Edinburgh were there and it was rubbish.  The worst night ever. It wasn’t that the night was rubbish but at a ‘night of celebration, let’s celebrate our Olympians,’ I felt like a fraud and didn’t feel like I had anything to celebrate, I didn’t want to be there.
 
WZ – Do you think the answer is going back and trying again?

MR – Every other time when you get to this point in your career you think positively and try again, to go for the big one.  But that was my big one and it was so different this time and so hard to take.  Obviously I have had to deal with other disappointments in the past but there has always been the next thing.  Whereas this was the next thing. 

Every part of my body had this instinct that it was all going to go right, that it was that day and that it was all going to go right. 

WZ –On the morning of your fight, did you wake up and think, this is it, this is the day?

MR – I felt great, yes.  I felt incredibly nervous, more than I have ever been for any other competition before.  Not just that day but also in the couple of weeks leading up to it. 

I felt like I had everything in perspective and everything had gone right.  Nothing had gone perfectly, nothing ever does go perfectly, but everything had gone right and there was a good feeling amongst my team, my coach, my training partner, but it all just went wrong.

WZ – So will you go for London 2012?

MR – I don’t feel ready for that, yet.  And because I haven’t adhered to the GB programme since Beijing then I won’t be part of anything or have any funding, I won’t have anyone to answer to. 

I just know that I wouldn’t rule it out.  The Olympics in London, in your own country, is a massive draw.

WZ –What are your plans for now then?

MR – There are quite a few things in the pipeline. I am starting a course that I want to do in November, a life coaching course.  It ties in with what I am doing anyway, personal training and massage.

I still haven’t had any holidays since the Games.  The plan was win the Olympics and go travelling, which I didn’t but I would really like to go away for about a month to Thailand.

I have also been offered a scholarship. When I was at the Olympic Games I applied for a charity called Right to Play.  They use sport as a tool to improve the lives of kids in under privileged areas of the globe but mainly in Africa. So you would spend two weeks in the field and it can be to various ends, either getting some kind of educational message across or breaking down barriers in the community or conflict solution, but using sport to build relationships and bond with the kids. 

Then you spend two and a half months learning the behind the scenes business side of things.  That could either be in Toronto, which I have opted for, New York, London or Rotterdam. I got one of the places.

So there are lots of balls up in the air at the minute and none have really landed yet. I keep getting asked about what I am doing and I really am not sure.

WZ – What it was like before the Olympics, in the build up?

MR – It was great.  I think being a bit older and having experience meant I had perspective and a balance in my life that is important and I appreciated what I was doing and didn’t see it as much of a chore.  It can be hard work sometimes.  I regularly stop-checked myself and appreciated where I was and what I was doing.

I had a good team around me, my coach was there, my partner was there, the support staff that were with us in the lead up to the games were brilliant.  There was a good atmosphere.  I just lapped it up and relished it.  It was great up until the day I fought.

WZ – What was it like in the Olympic Village?

MR – It was really nice actually.  The Chinese had done it really well.  It had a serene atmosphere, lots of greenery and fountains.  I felt like I was in a good place.  The food was great.  You have everything you could desire or need. Every machine you walk past you can get water or whatever you need – it’s all free.  You can get your laundry and hand it in and 24 hours later you will have it back washed and dried. It was good.

It was like a bubble though.  It was a total wakeup call when I was coming home on the plane and reading the press, you realise it hasn’t just been happening for us in Beijing but for everybody – the eyes of the world have been watching.  That just brought it home even more.

WZ – What was it like being with the rest of Team GB?

MR – Team GB was so efficient and professional. Everything was covered.  As soon as you went into the village, we all had a welcome meeting all the rules are laid out.  It was arranged by apartment.  So the Judo apartment was all together then the swimming was underneath us.  It was just a good atmosphere amongst the whole of Team GB.  They did a really good job of it, both the Chinese with the operation of the Games and Team GB for the way they brought everybody together.

WZ –What about Judo team and the preparations that you had done with them?  What’s the collective feeling with your performance? 

MR – We targeted two medals, but my feeling before going into it was that we won’t get two, we will get four, one of which will be my gold, I felt so confident. So I know that there is a lot of disappointment in the team but I think with a lot of them they are now looking forward and thinking about London. For me Beijing was it.  I couldn’t even contemplate London before.

Sport and life are unpredictable and I can’t say why it didn’t go how it was supposed to go.  I can put it down to nobody but myself. If I had to identify any element within myself that was responsible then I would say my mind for sure. Psychology.

If I was to go back and do it again that would be the one area that I would approach differently. Physically and technically I prepared as well as I could.

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